Dark & Thick & Heavy & Hard

I suck at blogging.

So much so, that I shall stop prefacing my posts with such language. It just is what it is. I write drafts and 9 months later I post them. *shrug*

It's been so long I don't think many are looking so I'm using it as a journal to get my shitty feelings out there for myself.

And here it is. Here I sit, 3rd IVF embryo transfer under my belt and a bit bat shit crazy in my head frankly.

I couldn't make this story up if I tried. This story of my infertility journey. I'm writing this to remember what I went through because I pray one day it's all just a distant memory of a hard time. I wrote a very long and very detailed post about IVF and miscarriage. I just haven't had the courage to post it.

Since my miscarriage, I lost another pregnancy, even earlier than the first.

This one, #3 has had the kitchen sink thrown at it so I was feeling quite positive and confident it would work.

Last night, granted only day 6 after my transfer and logically still extremely early, I broke after seeing another negative pregnancy test. I have always waited until day 7 and even then only had a barely visible line but apparently I like to torture myself. I know the logical things to say to someone else in this exact situation but I can't, I just cannot, get myself to understand logic right now.

I cried and screamed to God...again. [We talk about 10x minimum per day now.] I begged, literally begged for Him to help me. At least get me off the ledge that I'm on right now, bring me a little calm. And he did. I went to the barn and they helped too, as they always do. I slept well and woke up knowing I should not test today even though it was day 7..."wait" was what I was sensing.

Now having said that, I don't know if that means wait and this will be my time or wait this cycle still failed and keep waiting.

I don't know....I feel like I don't know much lately.

I do know that I believe in signs from God. And this morning as I drove to work (feeling less crazy since I didn't test again) I saw what I took as a sign.

Looking into the horizon, the clouds were a kaleidoscope of gray, dark abysmal grays all the way from Earth to halfway up my windshield to cover the rising sun. But then, at the top of those clouds, there was a line. A definitive line in the clouds where I could see the sun trying to breakthrough, little golden rays back lighting some soft white clouds and then it was clear blue sky and sunlight above. That probably happens every week. Who knows. It wasn't that amazing really. But I asked God to help me, I begged and pleaded (again) and I think this tiny sign was meant to say "keep going"... It is dark and thick and heavy and hard right now but keep going, there is golden light and blue skies beyond this hell.

So, I don't know if this is my time, I still hope and pray and wish and beg that it is. But either way I will keep going.